finally, i get it!

i spent an entire month in a foreign country. 

aside from meeting pretty cool people, seeing beautiful building and crossing quite a few things off my bucket list, the best part was my limited cell phone use.

i know that sounds stupid but just listen. 

how many times a day do we truly waste on our phone? 

texting & responding to people that we could really care less to talk to? 

having meaningless conversations with someone we know we really don't need to talk to, but we entertain the idea because we're just plain bored? 

or even scrolling through twitter, Facebook and instagram, hoping to catch something. 

whatever that something is. 

now imagine going cold turkey. 

not being able to do any of that unless you stumble upon an open wi-fi spot.

yeah, i know. "first world problems".

but it's honestly refreshing. 

i gained so much clarity and peace in being "cut off" from everything. 

then once i returned home, of course i had to tell my favorite manager about my trip. 

along with everything else that happened in my life while i was away. 

we're pretty cool like that. 

anyway, after telling her about everythinggggg, she gave me the best advice.

basically saying

"figure out what you want, and go for it. don't settle for anything less." 

no, i'm not saying that right now at 22 i know exactly what i want. 

however i am saying that i know what i do not want. and by knowing that, a lot has changed since i've returned from Germany. 

im rerouting my post-graduation plans and I'm honestly okay with that. 

I'm learning that right now, it all about ME. and that's how it should be. 

PUT YOURSELF FIRST. 

stop lying to yourself and dealing with people and situations that you know you truly don't need to deal with. 

no, i'm not saying to go around being rude to everyone. 

but if you know deep down that you're truly and honestly wasting your time, why bother? 

the worst time spent is wasted time. 

i know this post is all over the place, but i hope it makes sense because it certainly makes sense to me.

I'm not lying when i say that I'm so content with life right now that it's sometimes crazy to me. 

so with all this being said, 

stop wasting time with meaningless things, focus on you! 

"…and I'm doing this for the thrill it…"

Long time, No blog.

So let me catch you up on my life.

Am I happy with my grades from this past semester?

No.

Did I reach my ideal weight that every girl has in her mind?

No.

Did I magically meet the guy of my dreams and live happily ever after like in the movies?

No.

Did I keep my budget in mind every time I went shopping?

Nope.

Did I make some not so smart decisions?

uhh. yeah!

Am I pleased with life at the moment?

Finally, YES!

I may not have reached every tangible goal that I set for myself these past couple of months, but I'd be a big fat liar if I say Im not finally and truly content with my life right now.

Im vacationing for a month in Germany. Learning a language that I am horrible at. Doing and seeing things I never thought I would. Making impulse decisions just because I want to. and not to mention meeting very cute European guys that think my "accent" is hilarious.

Im finally learning and taking my own advice to heart. Life is too short to worry about what everyone else will think.

No I'm not saying go out and do drugs or rob a bank or something legit stupid.

But if you want to call or text the guy that is undoubtedly bad for you, just to remember those small good moments, if only for a day... Do it! Just remember you're done with him for a reason unless some miraculous change of universe happened and he's now like Channing Tatum or Lance Gross.. (which probably won't happen. haha)

Or even if you want to rekindle that old flame who has seen you through all your "wild days" and still finds you to be the most amazing person ever… even if you know you two are on two totally different paths for life. Do it! It's nice to be appreciated just because they want to appreciate you and not because you have to nag or even threaten them to.

You want to get a tattoo of something so cool and sacred to you and everyone tells you the same "tattoos are permanent, and that idea is dumb." uhhh.forget them and go get inked!

You want to break your diet and binge eat on queso, oreos, wine and chocolate while watching every season of The Hills?

KNOCK YOURSELF OUT! and do it while you wear your footie pajamas!

Who said that all decisions based on impulse are bad decisions.

They are all lessons that will make our adult life that much more awesome.

Lately, I've been on my "living life while we're young" kick.

I make decisions that not all my friends are happy with. oh well.

I do things that some people say don't make sense. oh well.

Sometimes I throw caution to the wind &blow my budget on something really cute and sparkly because I NEEEEED it. yup.

And I haven't been this happy and content in such a long time. And the best part is, I'm finally not relying on any other person for my happiness.

Once you see yourself going in routine to meet the approval of others while you're so unhappy on the inside, it's time to make a change.

We're young. Life is made for mistakes. That's why we have wine, to wash all our mistakes down with while having girl talk.

So do yourself a favor for the new year.

Don't do the whole "New Year, New Me". that's dumb.

You're perfect the way you are. But if you look in the mirror and see that you're living to meet approval of your family, friends, and whoever else. STOP.

Make yourself happy. Or else you're going to be old and thinking "Man, I should've done (insert crazy, impulse decision here), that'd be such a good story for my grandkids."

Because Lord knows, my future grandkids are going to have a cool grandma full of amazing stories.

Remember:

Life is short.

Live it up.

Make decisions for yourself.

Do what you want, while you can.

just breathe.

one day at a time.

this is what i've been telling myself alot lately. 

because quite frankly, this past week i have become a hot mess diva. 

so many crazy things are flying around in my head, so many decisions are having to be made, 

and im just like 

whether it be becoming overwhelmed with a bajillon assignments that are all due in the same week, fighting the urge to give in and send that one text that i'll ultimately end up regretting but i still want to send it just to make the feeling of "what if" stop driving me crazy or even starting my grad school applications, it's just a whirlwind of craziness in my head.  

but i have to often times remind myself that only way we can get through any and everything is to literally take life one day at time.

finding inner peace and becoming honestly okay with change takes time. we can't rush through the bad or overwhelming moments simply because we're anxious for the good. without the bad moments, the good moments won't seem as good. you follow me?

for example.

let's take it back to Auntie Bey. 

way back in the 90's when her and the rest of Destiny's Child were just teenagers looking for a deal, it didn't just happen in a day. they got rejected from multiple record labels until one day. BOOM. signed, sealed, delivered and the rest is history. 

just think, what if in the midst of their rejection, they just gave up? no. they waited patiently for things to fall in place. 

the same can be said for life. when things keep going wrong or maybe when that profound euphoric moment of peace and clarity hasn't happened yet. just wait on it.

mediocre things happen in a moment.

BUT 

amazingly awesome fabulous things take precious time. 

we all know that you can't rush greatness, and let's face it. we all want great things to prosper in our life. 

so let's just all exhale, and leave it up to big man upstairs. he knows exactly what he's doing and in due time, he'll show us. 

and when it all comes together, we'll be like BOOM! 

fabulousness and sparkle for my life! 

so when you start getting fidgety and wanting to rush your blessings and clarity just remind yourself to take one day at a time, because we cannot rush God's blessings for us.

cheers to Jesus!

walking by faith... while drinking wine.

yup. while drinking wine, preferably red.

so i recently shared my blog post to onto my facebook wall. no big deal right? uh. wrong.

i had no problem with putting the link onto my twitter account. i mean with over 1,000 followers, plenty of which i never see on the regular or even never met, it seemed like it would be less personal thus leaving less room for judgement.

but sharing it onto my Facebook?!? where anyone from my mom, to my old youth pastor to my old high school mentees could view and read my thoughts at the most transparent stage in my life right now?

uhhh. yeah.

but after saying a quick prayer and basically saying, "ok Jesus, if you didn't want me to share with people, you would've never given me the ultimate courage to even start this thing" i pasted the url onto my wall. hit share. then boom. there it was. out there. forreal. forreal.

that was a complete "walking by faith, while drinking wine" moment.

so let me attempt to break me down my crazy way of thinking things so maybe i may actually make sense to some.

2 Corinthians 5:7 reads "For we walk by faith, not  sight."

this scripture has been on me heavy. especially within these past months. when you walk by faith, you have to fully submit all of your worries and what if's to God and just watch him work. now granted, you still have to put in work towards whatever goal you are reaching because the bible also says that faith without work is dead. but in all retrospect, you have to ultimately come to terms with no matter how hard we work at something, if we have no faith in knowing that God already sees fit his plan for us, we are bound to become overworked, stressed, emotional wrecks and whatever else is a result from trying to handle our own lives.

Walk by Faith!

i love this scripture so much, i even have the word "Faith" tattooed on my inner left foot. (i know. i know. how can she sit here and quote the bible and she has tattoos?! aren't tattoos ungodly!?!)

but let me just say this. granted the Lord does see my tattoos, but im pretty sure he's way more concerned in knowing my heart, and seeing me trying to live by his word than trying to decipher how many tattoos i have.

and for those who want to know, i have 6.

no, im not perfect. i never said i am. and i have no plans on ever proclaiming to be.

being of the legal age to partake in an adult beverage every now and then, i do. and wine seems to be my choice.

walking by faith, while drinking wine.

drinking wine is relaxing. think about it, have you ever had a glass of wine and became stressed out? i hope not. because then you won't relate. but for me, i haven't. when i sip on a glass of wine, i'm relaxed. i'm taking time to enjoy life.

(again, i know. oh my gosh! how is she talking about God then going on about drinking wine. well, because Jesus loves me, flaws and all. that's how. boom.)

so yeah, drinking wine = relaxing. slowing the pace and actually taking your time. because one cannot chug wine. what's the rush?

so, let's put it all together shall we?

"walking by faith, while drinking wine."

letting God work. letting him work on you. letting him continue to act out his plan he has for you in your life. your job while he is working is to sit back, don't bug him, relax and just watch him work.

easier said than done. but whenever you feel the need to even attempt to question him, take a minute to sip on your imaginary glass of wine. then relax and remind yourself that God is working on it, so it must be right!

amen? AMEN!  now, let's toast to that.

WWQueenBeyD?

in order for this entire blog to make sense, i guess i should explain something. 

Beyonce Giselle Knowles-Carter is my aunt.
yeah, my aunt. 

okay, not really. but in my head she definitely is. if you ever get the absolute pleasure to meet me, i often refer to her a lot in a typical conversation. no, i'm not a crazy psycho fan. i truly admire her. 

i mean come onnnnnn, look at her! 

she is the definition of fabulous sassy accomplished momma queen diva! 

plus, Baby Blue is absorbable! 

so yeah, don't be alarmed if i randomly say Auntie Bey or Bey, im just referring to the ultra glam Beyonce. 

so enough of that. onto the point of this post. 

i wonder how Auntie Bey felt right before she went solo. like, right before she signed whatever contract that tied her into making her first solo album. nervous? hesitant? self conscience? excited? 

breaking away from her group and going solo was a risky step. it was a 50/50 chance that either she'd be a HUGEEEE flop or break records and become a mega star (thankfully the latter happened!) 

right now, i feel like my Auntie Bey. with graduation in May, my next big step is moving to a huge city and starting grad school. sounds cool right? like the ultimate post-undergrad life. but thinking in retrospect, im scared. like jeepers creepers scared. moving to a place where i only know ONE, yeah ONE person. 

what if i don't make friends? and i know that thought isn't childish of me because we all think that. you thought that when you first started elementary school, your first day at your new job and even your first of college. we all want at least one person to like our awkward crazy company. 

but what sucks is right as I'm finally settling into a town where i've lived for almost 5years, it's almost time for me to leave. i have a stable job that is beyond flexible with my cray cray school schedule. a pretty nice apartment that's now finally decorated. and i have theeeeeee most amazing group of 3 girls (my Big Girls) that i call my friends. i mean, how can a girl even think uprooting and basically starting from scratch? im just like 

really? i really have to make the next major decision in my life like now of all the times?! 

then theres the whole grad school thing. what if i start and i hate it? or what if i start and basically my life becomes consumed with school and i become a library hobbit thus shutting out this wonderful crazy world? dramatic much? yeah, i know. but still. thinking about all these big girl decisions is freakishly scary yet exciting. 

everyday im like, "hey God, when did i become a fully functioning adult?" i feel like just yesterday, i was in my mom's house, upstairs in my room jamming out to lil' romeo's cd 

but i guess i have to think, WWQueenBeyD? 

and in this case, right when Auntie Bey made her decision to go solo and all the crazy "what if's" scenarios that only us as females can create in our twisted beautiful minds, i know she probably just said, "let's do this". and BOOM! the rest is history. no, the rest is really history. 

so i guess i'm just using this post as a venting post to get out all my crazy "what if's" because i know in the end, grad school is happening. and i'll be ready. am i ready for it now? no way. but i know as i start to prepare for my GRE and start this application process Jesus will be a pencil, a few answers and the ultimate deciding factor. 

so this is advice that im giving myself and everyone else who is facing their own unique "going solo" situation. let's do this and be fabulous while we do it! just like Auntie Bey! 

keeping up with my life

as i sit and watch my imaginary bff Khloe and the the rest of her family on the new episode tonight, i finally decide to make my blog.

this weekend, my diva twin gave me the best advice. "don't make weekly goals, make monthly goals. it's more realistic."

and in fact, it is. every week i become overwhelmed with my school schedule trying to mesh with my work schedule while trying to fit in my social schedule. before i know it, monday is quickly friday and everything on my to-do list is still yet to get done. so consider this one check off of my monthly goals.

one thing you should know is that i love certain celebrities, and i often attempt to relate my life to theirs.

no not in a freaky, stalkerish way. in an admiral way.

Khloe Kardashian. i love her spunk. i love her style. i love that she loves herself and she truly loves love.

Taylor Swift. like, she's seriously my bff. i love her talent. i love she's a hopeless romantic and no matter how many times a guy lets her down, she still has hope.

Lauren Conrad. she's my older sister in my head. she's so driven. handles drama and pressure so gracefully. career orientated. and freakin fabulous.

today the news broke that Lauren Conrad is engaged. not a big deal to some, but to me, im like

after binge watching the first 3 seasons of The Hills, i identify with her so much. she dealt with loving a guy too much. loving a guy who didn't know what he had until she's gone then he suckered back in with empty promises that sound so sweet and those big puppy dog eyes. the guy who clearly showed that he wasn't on the same page in the book of feelings as she was. yet, she mustered up excuse after excuse on why she couldn't let him go. 

it sucks when sometimes all you want is the person who makes you feel like complete crap to also be the person that make everything in life 3408457405times better. but when do you say when? 

when do you finally stop lying to yourself? when do you stop finding excuse after excuse to stand up for him when your friends really do have legit reasons as to why it's time to let him go. 

it's hard to explain the unexplainable good of a person when all everyone sees is the clear emotional turmoil you go through just to achieve that feeling of happiness. 

but now, after all my rambling, i've realized that enough is enough. today marks the last time. the last time i make excuses. the last time i fall for the promises and the oh so sincere "i'm so sorry babe". the last time that i took a ride on this emotional roller coaster. 

no, im not giving up on him. im just finally done trying. constantly trying. constantly putting myself out there emotionally naked. 

LC finally stop riding her emotional roller coaster now and look! she's happily engaged to her law student boyfriend.

so maybe all this is just Jesus saying, okay kid. time for you to focus on me and watch me send your real Prince Charming.